Dear Life

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Scan

from Scan, by Helen Simpson, (Granta mag. no:98)

(the character is stuck in a train tunnel, on her way to doing a brain scan) perhaps this was what it was like, being born, the claustrophobic tunnel; ... what about before you were born, though? before you were conceived? Well, you can't remember it so it can't have been too bad, she told herself; presumably it will be the same after you've died. The trouble with this idea, was, before you've been born you've not been you; but once you've been alive you definitely have been you; and the idea of the extinction of the you that has definitely existed is quite different from the idea of your non-existence before you did exist.

(getting ready for the brain scan) Once naked she realized she was still wearing her watch, and unstrapped it. She was outside time now, along with the sick and the dead.

(of the scan) Never mind seeing her with no clothes on; she was about to be seen with no flesh on. The medical gaze was nothing if not penetrating.

Time was just another name for death, she got the point.

dear life 95

dear life,
a coinicidence, again. take a look at post no 93 and then check this out:
http://books.guardian.co.uk/graphic/0,,2155831,00.html

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

september 15, 2007


September 15, 2007.
the clickings of an old type writer.
it was September 15, 2007.
the voice of this narrator, starting to remember loudly.
around 12 pm, an area of DC started to be trotted by small and large groups, scattered here and there, all heading to that one and only destination, to that center of the world dicisions, to that white building, to that White House.
the voice of the narrator, a faded-out picture of an unfamiliar or unrecognizable room.
groups pointed out by yellow dots, yellow dots moving, dots overhead, dots hanging in the air, stranded, waiting, moving, walking, in groups, toward that White House. I was going around, confused, in a hurry, desperate, lost in between the desire to stay and the obligation to go. yellow banners over stickers, moving in people's hand.
the narrator voice. the picture leaves the hazy room. the picture follows his narration. in black and white.
i went around, as if this crazy person with this need for that yellow color. "can you give me a banner? can you give me a banner?" i begged them, i plead with them. none wanted to let go of that yellowness, of those black words printed over. none. they led me to get it. they led me and i had no time to look for it. someone offered me this blue banner. there was a pigeon.
the clicking of the typewriter gets faster and faster. the smoke rises up over the narrator's figure, sitting, behind the typewriter, facing the wall.
the white pigeon. there was a branch. clinging to its mouth. it seemed to be flying. "don't go anywhere, i need you," i pleaded. it got stuck on the blue banner. i looked at the banner in my hand. people moved around me. toward the White House, they were heading, they were heading there and i was stuck there with that banner in my hand. someone said something, that someone handed me a paper and a pen. that someone asked me to fill something . i filled it. i didn't even know who she was, why she was asking for information. i was giving it to her, not listening to her, not seeing her, listening to the hubble bubble around me, staring at the space in between the bodies rushing past me.
the narrator's voice takes a faster pace. the narration. in black and white. a crowd. trees. police guards. vendors of printed out slogans. t-shirt slogans. a crowd. the space. the narrator goes on.
i had to leave. i was late, i am forever late, i hate being late.
the shabby desk. the room, the smoke is rising into the room.
i was late. i couldn't leave. i went on. among them.
banners, t-shirts, pamphlets. nuns and buddhist monks, just people, cowboy-looking men, old women, children, hippies, just people, in black and white, smoke. the narrator.
i moved around a while. i needed to stay and yet this shit work thing was nagging, making me suffocate in the one place i had to be, right there, right then. i wanted to be part of this and i had to leave. i left the crowd. i left myself among the crowd and i left.
the smoke is rising into the room. a wooden shabby desk, a bare lamp hanging from the ceiling, the sound of the typewriter.
the picture. black and white.
the yellow banner. i left without the yellow banner.
the yellow banner, in black it read, "Stop this war!"
the blue banner, in white it read, "War is not the answer!"
an old speaker, someone's voice aired and broadcasted, black and white. "for the sake of freedom, for the sake of security, for the sake of democracy, for the sake of humanity."
black and white. an old radio broadcasting somewhere. "we need to stop them, we need to be here for our people."
another voice. the narrator is gone. no radio in the picture. the voice comes of a radio, somewhere.
"tension in the region, security wall, checkpoints, nuclear bombs, freedom, retaliation, bombs, our soldiers, our people, them, their weapons, our security, their disobeying international laws, our obeying all laws, we are the law, they are the enemy."
smoke is filling the old shabby room. the old typewriter is clicking again. the narrator is talking again:
on September 15, 2007, people gathered, people shouted, slogans, for and against, for different reasons, with different beliefs. it was just one day. they let us shout and have some weight off our shoulders. it has been the same for all wars, and all wars has happened, as planned, as they have been necessary, as they have been decided. this was, this is, and this will be forever.
the clicking, the typewriter. the smoke. the radio is off. the light bulb hangs from the ceiling. the narrator:
we know better, we know what the larger picture is about, we are the enemy, we are bad, they have to bomb us, even if some of them are against it. we are a threat. but still they want to free us. with wrapping us into the net of sanctions. with chaining us to our poverty and misery. they want to give us democracy. with making us believe in their dictatorship. they want to offer us a new life. with giving us life after death. they want all good, not only for their people, but also for us. we will understand one day.
black and white, the picture. the light is still burning, but the smoke has filled the room. the typewriter is not typing anymore. the narrator's voice:
on September 15, 2007, it is said that some 100,000 people gathered in front of the White House to shout their opposition against the Iraq War. it is said to have been one of the largest anti-war demonstrations in recent years.
but on the following days the news were no different. iraq. afghanistan. iran. all the same bullshit about them.
how many died for afghanistan? how many died for iraq? do the numbers even mean anything anymore? since when did the lives of the people of the "region" get so cheap? each day, four people, fourteen, forty. what difference does it make when human beings become merely figures for statistics?
the narrator's voice goes into the smoke. the radio starts broadcasting once again. all black.
"we need to look at the larger picture, we need to be strong. we are here to save humanity, and we will. humanity will be saved and history will decide about us."




Monday, September 10, 2007

Somewhere towards the end

From Somewhere towards the end, by Diana Athill (Granta mag. no:98)

an article on her life and getting old, esp. from the point of view of relationships and men: (i make no comments, just bring some parts, guess that quoting is comment enough)

... the most obvious thing about moving into my seventies was the disappearance of what used to be the most important thing in my life: i might not look, or even feel, all that old, but i had ceased to be a sexual being, a condition which had gone through several stages and had not always been a happy one, but which had always seemed central to my existence.

... a broken heart mends much faster from a conclusive blow than it does from slow strangulation.

... Loyalty unearned is simply the husk of a notion developed to benefit the bosses in feudal system. When spouses are concerned, it seems to me that kindness and consideration should be the key words, not loyalty, and sexual infidelity does not necessarily wipe them out.
Fidelity in the sense of keeping one's word, i respect, but i think it tiresome that it is tied so tightly in people's minds to the idea of sex. ... why, given our bone-deep, basic need for one another, do men and women have to put so much weight on this particular, unreliable aspect of it?

... gradually, i had become aware that my interest in, and therefore my physical response to, making love to my dear habitual companion was dwindling: familiarity had made the touch of his hand feel so like the touch of my own hand that it no longer conveyed a thrill.

... the really important thing we had in common was that neither of us had any wish to fall in love or to become responsible for someone's else peace of mind. We didn't even need to see a great deal of each other. We knew that we would give each other no trouble.

... (after the death of her last companion) ... after his death, Sam became more vivid in my mind ... I saw him with photographic clarity - still can. ... particularly i remember the feel of him. his skin ... and his smell was pleasant and healthy. i feel him lying beside me after making love, both of us on our backs, hands linked, arms and legs touching in a friendly way. his physical presence is so clear, even now, that it is almost like a haunt (an amiable one).




two good movies

Two good movies i enjoyed (this is another post for the promise i made to share the good things i read or see here, esp. with my friends back home)

"2 days in paris", which i had talked to you before on one other post, actually before i saw it. the film was good, french-american funny. written, directed, and starred by Julie Delpy (the girl from before sunset and before sunrise). i read an interesting point later on in FLM - an independant film magazine - of her childhood, quoting her own words: "My parents started giving me an education in art and film early on ... Okay, so we didn't have a bathroom until i was eight (actually, public baths were not as bad as you would think) but they gave me so many other things. They sent me to music, dance, photography, painting and writing classes on top of regular school."
the movie official website is: http://www.2daysinparisthefilm.com/

the other movie was "paris je t'aime", a collection of eighteen snippets from different great directors, a diverse collection of diverse experiences and life moments going on around paris. they make you laugh, cry, think, smile, cherish, envy, ... all in a tour of paris. it is a must see. not a usual movie, more a collage of kind of very short moving pictures, maybe you can call them kind of movie nanotales. i would enjoy seeing it one more time.
the movie official website is: http://www.firstlookstudios.com/pjt/

it seems that paris is everywhere. (for me this is more true since my translated book of the famous bookstore there - shakespeare and company - is getting closer and closer to publication, hopefully after ershad permission.) and i am making this promise to myself that paris will be an out of this world experience to me when i visit it.
hope you can find the movies and watch them.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

he

haunted i am,
confused, by an illusion,
by his vision,
by a vision, of him,
of a man;
do i know him?
i don't know if i know him,
does it matter?
no, it doesn't,
as long as he offers me his chest,
to lean my head on,
to lose myself in;
his lips,
to rest my lips on,
to dissolve into;
his hands,
to take in mine,
to caress my body;
his arms,
to embrace me,
to lead me.
his vision,
a vision,
do i care who he is?
as long as he loves me,
seduces me, embraces me, kisses me,
fucks me, warms me, calms me?
do i care who he is?
as long as i get lost,
in him, with him?
i care,
his vision haunts me,
his and only his.
who is he?
they ask,
they think.
i know
and i don't give a fuck what they think;
i know
and i don't give a damn if they are wrong;
i know
and i don't give a shit to make them right.
let them be,
let me be, with his vision,
his vision, only his,
haunting me.